Getting In Your Own Way
It’s a slightly odd feeling deciding to write about whatever I want. To decide not to be constrained by writing about any one thing, without regard to whether anyone is really likely to read it. It’s an odd feeling, because of how much I’ve noticed I get in my own way. Doubtless there have been many thousands of words spilled by other writers on this phenomenon, but screw it, I want to write about it too.
First of all, I should probably define what I mean by “getting in my own way”. It’s a slippery thing to nail down, which is why it’s interesting to write about. If it was a conscious thought, and only that, then it would be something that I could notice, and then attempt to let go of. But it’s a more than that. It lives primarily in the subconscious, it’s the same thing that stops me from singing along to songs a when people might hear. It’s a very, very hard thing to let go of, because it’s not a ‘thing’.
More digression and definition: what do I mean by a ‘thing’. A ‘thing’ is a conscious thought. It’s a string of thoughts actually. More specifically: it’s a string of thought that’s focused on a time that’s not right now. Things are things that I’ve became at least slightly adept at noticing, and stopping. Being able to do so has significantly improved my quality of life, and yet... I still get in my own way.
So back to that. How does it feel? When thinking about feelings, I find it useful to think about the body. Specifically, where do I feel the emotion. This one lives in the upper chest, maybe getting close to the throat.
Pushing through it is the act of manifesting something that already exist is inside you into the physical world. In a very real way, it’s about honesty. About stopping attempting to deceive the world that you’re something you’re not.
I suppose that if the feeling has a name, then it’s shame. Or maybe it’s inhibition. Is inhibition an emotion? I don’t think many people go around saying “I feel inhibited”, but maybe they should. The more I think about it, the more I like this word. It doesn’t have the baggage of ‘shame’, or ‘fear’, or ‘scared’, probably because it’s a word that people tend not to use, outside the negative.
Uninhibited is a word that people use. I’m not sure that any of us really love our inhibitions, yet they seem to be very difficult for us to let go of. Maybe it’s a peculiarity of being British, but to let go of our inhibitions we regularly and enthusiastically turn to drugs (alcohol or whatever). We do it to ‘have a good time’, but ultimately it’s because we want to create something in the outside world that already exists behind us - the desire to sing, to dance, to hug, to kiss, whatever.
It surprises me that I’ve ended up equating the act of writing (or creating music or whatever) with going out and getting trashed on a Friday night, but there we are. Maybe I actually did that in the second paragraph and I could’ve saved you some time by stopping there. Alas, maybe this is why inhibitions exist.
Regardless, now that we’ve reached the conclusion that the reason why we don’t freely write or freely dance are one and the same, inhibition, we are left trying to decide what to do about it. How do you go from being inhibited to uninhibited without the use of recreational drugs?
A quick Google search reveals a number of blogs, all with deeply inspiring photos such as people standing, arms spread, facing the sun, all newly uninhibited. They have wonderful advice in them like ‘fall in love with YOU’. Jesus Christ. And let’s not even talk about affirmations. Still, there’s the core of something useful here for us to discuss. You see, it seems we have to ultimately have to turn to fear as the cause of our inhibitions. Which means we have to talk about vulnerability. Bollocks. God damn it Brene!
Yes, it seems that in the end, all these words boil down to the fact that we’re afraid of being judged by others and found wanting. Of being laughed at. We think that maybe the world isn’t ready for (or doesn’t need) the real ‘us’. But here’s the thing that really makes you laugh (darkly) once you realise it - everyone else is too wrapped up in their own self-loathing at how inhibited they are that they don’t have time to judge you. Remember the last time you were out and saw people dancing early in the night, clearly having a great time? Remember how you secretly you wished you could too? (No? Just me?). Well it’s like that with everything, save for the comments section of anywhere on the internet of course.
So to start wrapping this up, I will present to you my prescription for getting over your own inhibitions, which I will be slavishly following as I embark on this journey of putting my mind-farts onto the internet:
- Remember, frequently, that everyone else is too narcissistically obsessed with their own failure to live without inhibitions to give a crap about what I’m doing
- Don’t ever read the comments of anything that I put online.
I am not sure that any of this ultimately addresses the problem - that the feeling of inhibition is an emotional one, and we can’t wish our emotions away. We’re trying to solve an unconscious ‘problem’ with conscious thoughts. The best we can hope for, I think is that we achieve some awareness that inhibition isn’t something that carries any weight. It’s like any other emotion, once we are aware of it we can exercise choice in how we respond to it. Sadly, responding to an emotion by doing the opposite of what it wants it a little tricky, but I guess that’s the work. And we do love doing the work!